Oh No, Professor Is Making Students Get Into Groups

Displaying shocked and horrified expressions as they took their seats Monday, students from Professor Gilroy’s literature class were reportedly filled with dread after, oh no, she made them all get into groups. “I get that it’s syllabus week and she wants to get to know us a little bit, but the prospect of social interaction triggers my flight-or-fight response,” said visibly disturbed freshman Jennifer Nguyen, adding that for the past twenty-four hours she had been mentally preparing herself for whatever terribly embarrassing icebreaker challenge the professor might have up her sleeve. “I bet she’ll ask for us to give three facts about ourselves or talk about somewhere interesting we went over break. Damn it, all I did was stay home and gain four pounds. What does she expect me to say?” At press time, sources confirmed that, oh Christ, the professor is requesting for one person from each group come to the front of the classroom and recite everyone’s name.