On-Campus Starbucks Baristas Admit They Have No Idea What They’re Doing

Eyes brimming with confusion, FAU junior and barista Jade Sterling issued a statement Wednesday on behalf of her and her fellow employees at the on-campus Starbucks, claiming that none of them have even the slightest idea what they’re doing. “We train for two hours and are then told to start working,” Sterling recounted as she squinted puzzlingly at an assortment of random ingredients before shrugging her shoulders and dumping them all into a blender. “They tell us that these students have crippling anxiety, so the chances of them telling you their coffee sucks are slim to none.”

“The other day I spent six bucks on a coffee,” freshman Jeff Hayes conveyed. “It tasted like warm toilet water, but I was late to class and couldn’t afford to wait for a new one.”

At press time, Starbucks sources reportedly stated that there are currently no plans to revamp their training program and insisted that “if people don’t like it, there’s a Dunkin in the library.”