FAU has decided to digitize OWL Cards in an effort to prevent students from continuing to lose their shit. This resolution was reportedly sparked in response to a series of complaints filed by a group of driven, absent-minded individuals who hold FAU accountable whenever one of them carelessly misplaces their OWL Card. One inept student, Devin Mooney, can be identified as the leader of this group of activists. “To think that I had to lug around a physical copy of my OWL Card with me everywhere I go is fucking absurd,” Mooney said. “Everyone knows college students can’t be trusted to take care of such an important item like an OWL Card. That’s why our parents still have our birth certificate and Social Security card. Everything is online now, anyway. If I can order a Frappuccino from my phone then there’s no reason I should still have to swipe a card to get into my dorm.”
Students can now simply access their OWL Card through their FAU Mobile app. At press time, Mooney was seen struggling to gain entry into Parliament Hall after losing her phone.
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