Owlsley Has Existential Crisis: “I’m The Last Real Owl At FAU”

Earlier this Monday morning, Owlsley was found lying on the ground covered in owl drool and the tangy barbeque sauce of a weekend bender clinging to his breast feathers. According to student eyewitnesses, Owlsley had been seen heavily drinking at the Irishmen and other local pubs over the weekend. As he tossed back pint after pint of cold brewskis, the beloved school mascot was seen shrieking at bystanders and proclaiming through a series of hoots and clicks that “Life was pointless now that he was the last of his kind at FAU.”

“That damn owl just kept shouting about how President Kelly doesn’t care about feathered people!“ said Irishman bartender Gary Smith. “He wouldn’t shut up about his home being destroyed to make room for new dorms or something like that. Like I give a rat’s ass, more dorms mean more customers for me.”

“It was about time that Owlsley hit the rails,” said passerby Environmental Science major Tiffany Brettsaw, clutching Owlsley’s tear-streaked plastic eye-hole. “Even though our mascot is the burrowing owl, nobody actually gives a shit about their habitats. Their burrows are legally allowed to be destroyed as long as the city or university has a permit to do so. It’s horrible!”

“Coo…” said Owlsley, with a tearful glance at the stadium, the place where Owlsley’s masters dance upon hundreds of innocent owl graves.

President Kelly and the University Committee for Owl Habitat Destruction were unavailable to give a comment on Owlsley’s plight. However, several old white farts in suits were seen smiling and clinking wine glasses over a diorama of destroyed owl habitats before quickly shutting the blinds to their fancy alumni building.