Commuter Student Wakes 2 Minutes Later Than Usual, Stays Home
Commuter student Irma Latite decided to stay home Monday morning and skip class for the third time this week after missing her alarm by two…
Jesus: Good Friday was ‘Aight.’
In an exclusive interview with Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God revealed that Good Friday was, in fact, not very good. “Amen, amen, I…
Waka Flocka Flame to Perform Entire Concert in Walmart $5 Discount Bin
Waka Flocka will be rolling many thing this Wednesday, but most importantly, he’ll be rolling back prices. A leaked FAU SGA itinerary of Wednesday’s concert…
‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Says Campus Tour Guide Dismissively While Leading Group Past Pit Of Lost Souls
While escorting a group of visitors around the Boca Raton campus Monday, FAU tour guide Brett Michaelson was quick to dispel any concern upon approaching…
Frat Boys Waterboard New Pledges, For the Kids
“Everything we do, we do it for the kids,” said fraternity Omega Sigma Alpha President Falcon Hawkmoon as he placed a wet cloth over a…
FAU Student Uses SpaghettiOs for Interpretive Essay
On Monday morning, FAU senior Alexander Jones turned in his Aesthetics and Art Theory essay which was created exclusively with SpaghettiOs. Jones reportedly worked on…
Study: Longboarders Enjoy Eating Shit for Breakfast
A new study conducted by FAU Student Health Services indicates that longboarders both enjoy and crave eating shit on the Breezeway concrete on a daily…
Freshman Ambushed by SWAT Team After Skipping Single ENC 1101 Class
Edward O’Burke quickly regretted skipping his ENC1101 class on Tuesday when a door ram knocked his Parliament dorm room door off and six heavily armed…
Professor Enters Class 14 Minutes Late, 3 Dead
Professor Braxton entered his Political Theory course 14 minutes late yesterday, leading to three student fatalities. The classroom tragedy started as so many tragedies do:…
Florida-Grown Man Revs Truck Engine At 3 AM
Reports are now confirming that the source of the deafening noise heard Friday morning at 3 A.M. was not a sonic boom, but rather the…