‘Fuck It,’ Says FAU Barista After Failing To Hear Student’s Name
Repeatedly struggling to hear the customer’s name, on-campus Starbucks barista Dylan Kennedy reportedly released a long, exasperated sigh Friday and whispered “fuck it” to himself….
‘Whoa, Whoa, Who Do You Know Here?’ Asks Wimberly Library Bouncer To Line Of Waiting Students
Positioning himself imposingly at the front door, Wimberly Library bouncer Rich Dourdan reportedly appeared confused Monday as he asked, “Whoa, whoa, who do you know…
‘Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems,’ Says Student To Rationalize Increasing Debt
In order to cope with the increasing student debt that comes with every college semester, super-senior Sandra Fields recommends her effective mantra: “mo’ money, mo’…
Hurricane Dorian Changes Trajectory After Learning About Florida Man
The National Weather Service confirmed Monday that Hurricane Dorian, once projected to make landfall in Florida, has abruptly decided to alter its trajectory after learning…
Freshman’s Mom Audits Classes To Keep An Eye On Her Son
The second week of classes have begun, and while the new freshmen are enjoying newfound freedom from their parents, local mom Heather Thomas is missing…
Student Disappointed Not A Single Fast & Furious Movie On Film Appreciation Syllabus
Visibly becoming more despondent as he painstakingly examined the course syllabus, freshman Jake Sim was utterly disappointed Friday to discover that not a single movie…
Are The Orientation Leaders Okay?
With FAU’s Weeks of Welcome well underway for the Fall 2019 semester, the brightest and most charismatic of the university’s student body are hard at…
Professor Furious Upon Discovering He And Student Mooched Off Same Quizlet Flashcards
Seething with unbridled resentment as he reviewed his Introduction to Anthropology class’ final exam results, Professor Roderick Walker was furious Monday upon reportedly discovering that…
Abandoned Twitter Account Doomed To Tweet Daily Automated Horoscopes Forever
“He used to be one of those guys that retweeted porn and made all of his followers feel uncomfortable. Nowadays, he might as well be a bot, just a sad husk of his former horny self.”
Student Chains Self To Algonquin Hall: ‘I Will Go Down With This Ship’
After being informed about the future demolishment of Algonquin Hall, sophomore Lindsay Birkenstein chained herself to the dormitory Friday in protest of the summer construction…