Hysteria erupted among FAU students, faculty, and staff this weekend after ominous texts and calls were sent out through the alert system which said, simply, “High levels of gas in central bathrooms.” Although Alert System head Jose Delacruz confirms the message was “just an attempt to lighten the mood during finals week,” the panic in the FAU community remains palpable.
“I still remember the moment I got that first text,” says former Physics major Janice Taylor of the Boca campus, whose primary fear arose from confusion over the use of the word “central.” “My room – which has a bathroom in it – occupies the space perfectly in the middle of the building, accounting for each of the X, Y, and Z axes. It doesn’t get much more central than that.” After running outside and observing students fleeing every bathroom, Janice came to the crushing realization that all human perceptions of space are relative. “And it isn’t even just space, either. Time, too. Every moment is the most central moment. What if that means all bathrooms are always central and there are always high levels of gas?” Taylor has since dropped out of school and joined a tribe of nomads in the Amazon so she “will never be near a bathroom again.”
Some students considered the text a joke until the situation around campus escalated. “My buds and I thought it was hilarious until our parents started calling us,” says sophomore Nicky Rebo. “They were all talking about a scary robotic voice that called their house phones about a gas leak. It didn’t help that news helicopters were also broadcasting live feeds on every channel across the nation.”
“We now understand that fart jokes should be reserved for crew hang-outs and open mic nights,” Delacruz claimed in a press release. While the statement may have been true, it was the pinky-promise with President Kelly to never do that again that allowed him to keep his job. Detractors argue against the pinky-promise, given that this is the third prank message sent out during Delacruz’s past year in the position, but all seemed to be forgiven upon release of his follow-up statement: “Can you really blame us? Given the chance, who wouldn’t try to brighten the days of over 30,000 people at once?”