After years of construction on the Spanish River overpass of Interstate-95, Florida Atlantic University held its official ribbon cutting ceremony Monday morning to celebrate the completion of phase one of “OwLane™,” a student-exclusive highway lane. “OwLane™ will revolutionize student-to-campus traffic. It’s the way of the future, and if you don’t want to hop on board, GET STUCK IN THE PAST,” President John Kelly hollered after climbing onto a bulldozer and placing his wife Carolyn on his lap. After revving the engine a few times, attendees watched as the President bulldozed over the first 100 feet of an active owl reserve. Kelly later justified this by claiming it was a symbolic act, representing the area’s shift from serving today’s native owls, who have made the land their home over the last thousand years, to serving tomorrow’s Owls, the FAU students who will indifferently drive over the hundreds of graves.
Protesters arrived, arguing that owl reserves should not be used for highway lanes and that FAU is “putting on the facade of an environment-friendly university” while “recklessly murdering owls.” President Kelly responded, “They just don’t know all the cool stuff I’ve got planned for this highway lane. OwlSwag™ Drive Thru Gift Shop, Scantron pick-up, free towels at the tOWL Booth™. I am the future.” Other plans to make OwLane™ chock-full of FAU spirit include a free speech parking lot, swarms of ducks, and because the rock climbing wall on campus is such a hit they’ve included the “X-TREME MOUNTAIN X-CURSION,” a detour mountain driving course for commuters who can’t make friends on campus.
OwLane™ is slated to open spring 2025.