Ever since his first day of philosophy class, FAU freshman Gregorius Ramone has been plaguing campus with a tirade of existential and pseudo-philosophical questions. Reports of Ramone’s quasi-intellectual rampage first emerged after students across campus complained of a student holding up the lunch line at Wendy’s whenever he is forced to decide between a cheeseburger or chicken sandwich. His antics have not only caused several students to despise him but also some of Ramone’s professors as well.
Even esteemed FAU philosophy professor Leif Robster doesn’t understand Ramone’s existence. “I tell my students what the test is about and grant them all of the necessary materials to study,” Robster said. “But this motherfucker still has questions like, ‘Why do we have tests if we’re all going to die?’ You know, weird shit like that.”
Jordan Vaughn, Ramone’s long-term boyfriend, asserted that the constant questions have been the source of multiple snags in their love life. “We’ll have the most romantic date,” Vaughn said, stifling back tears. “Dinner at Olive Garden, tiramisu by the beach, then a midnight stroll along the shore to top it off. However, things always seem to go sour whenever we hit the bedroom. Every time I ask him something out of courtesy like, ‘Does this feel good, Gregorius?’ He’ll typically respond with something like, ‘How can one feel good if good is an illusion constructed by a fallible human perception?’”
Investigators from The Hoot reluctantly approached Ramone as he was meditating in the middle of the Breezeway and asked him one simple question: “Why all the questions?”
In a surprising turn of events, Ramone failed to deliver a straightforward answer. “Aren’t questions just like answers within themselves?” the modern-day Aristotle began. “According to philosopher Immanuel Kant…”
Unfortunately, the rest of Ramone’s answer was cut short after boring himself into a deep slumber.