Reports are coming in from the Office of the President of the University that the rumors of Pres. John Kelly’s promotion by FAU’s Board of Trustees has been confirmed.
Rumors of a promotion have been circulating ever since Kelly Tweeted “I love my big purse daddies, #FAUBoardOfTrustees” back in July shortly after the announcement that FAU will be going back to in-person classes despite the increase in Covid-19 Delta-variant cases.
The Office of the President has confirmed that, as of today, Pres. John Kelly is now the Board of Trustees’ “Best Owl Boi.” In a prepared statement, the rarely seen 13 members of the Board of Trustees spoke in unison, unblinking, and without pause that “we are so proud of Pres. John Kelly for keeping FAU cash solvent in these trying times. For his efforts, we have created a new office for John Kelly: Best Owl Boi, merging the duties of President of the University with the additional duties of being our bestest Owl Boi in the world.” The Board of Trustees then went back to their offices that, architecturally speaking, the apparent size of which do not physically make sense given the size of the building and from which reporters sometimes see through the frosted glass of the doors the movements of large indescribable shapes.
At press time, Best Owl Boi Kelly thanked the Board of Trustees in a language hitherto unheard, and reassured FAU faculty, staff, and students that he’ll still be the same president he has been for the last…however long he’s been president.
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