Pres. Kelly Takes School Spirit to Uncanny Heights at Faculty Thanksgiving Dinner

Feeling that holidays on the FAU campus were severely lacking in school pride, Florida Atlantic University President John Kelly decided to host an exclusive Thanksgiving dinner for faculty and staff at the Baldwin House. Everyone gathered in the main dining room as President Kelly wheeled out Owlsley, FAU’s school mascot, nicely browned and surrounded by a cornucopia of roasted fall vegetables on a silver serving tray. After screaming “Surprise!” Kelly went on to say, “I thought I would invoke some school spirit and try something more unique than the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Who wants a leg?”

Not everyone was pleased with the President’s decision to use Owlsley in lieu of a turkey, but one thing they could all agree on was the flavor. FAU football coach Charlie Partridge stated, “I can’t believe he’s gone, I loved that damn owl so much… but when he’s paired with that pineapple-cherry glaze and just a sprinkling of rosemary, it really brings out the savory undertones that you simply can’t find in a turkey. That chef knows how to cook a bird!”

When the Baldwin House chef was asked about his inspiration for the dish, he quickly sprinted out of the room, weeping, hysterically yelling in broken sentences, “THERE WAS–STUDENT–COSTUME–ALIVE–COOKED ALIVE!”

The one comment President Kelly kept repeating after the dinner was “Owlsley tastes way better than turkey!” He continued repeating this, and nothing else, to every person who said goodbye to him. Once everyone left he stood in the same position repeating the phrase for four more hours.

FAU is currently in search for a new mascot.