President-Elect Trump Denies Ever Running for President

Early Wednesday morning, President-Elect Donald Trump arrived at his campaign headquarters in New York to speak about his stunning win in the general election over former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. However, many were surprised when Trump started his victory speech by rejecting that he ever ran for office. “Wrong,” Trump asserted. “I never have, but if I did, I’d win bigly. Believe me.”

Despite the insurmountable evidence piling against him, Trump has dismissed any involvement in the 2016 presidential election, insisting, “The truth is rigged against me.” When presented with documented footage of Trump speaking at one of his own rallies, he immediately disregarded it as “a bigger hoax than global warming.” He then professed to having spent the past year deep within the tropical rainforests of Kenya, adamantly searching for President Obama’s birth certificate.

“My first act as your president will be to launch drone strikes at all the liars accusing me of running for president,” Trump said. “Then I’m going to grab this country by the pussy and stick it behind a ‘yuge’ wall where nobody can steal our jobs. I’m hearing we have no jobs. Not even one job. The veterans don’t even have jobs. Sad! Very sad. Let me tell you, I have so much respect for our veterans. Just yesterday, I beat all the Call of Duty games on Veteran difficulty. No one respects veterans more than me.”

Trump concluded by saying that although he did not participate in the election this year, he will announce his 2020 campaign during his inaugural address in January.