President John Kelly has rocked the FAU student body by trying to legally change his name to ‘Daddy Kelly.’ President Kelly has always tried to keep up with the times, so when he heard about this new “Daddy” trend, he didn’t want to be left behind.
“One day I was walking down the Breezeway and overheard a young female student call me ‘Daddy material,’” the President said. “I wasn’t sure what that meant, but after a quick search on The Google, I realized that it was the highest compliment she could have given me. Apparently, a ‘Daddy’ is part of a relationship where the older partner takes care of the younger ones through financial aid and a regime of strict discipline.”
“I have always taken pride in our school’s Financial Aid services and think of myself as a President who is not afraid to crack the whip on my students,” Kelly continued, chuckling to himself. “My greatest goal is to support my students and never to make them feel hogtied unless they ask for it.”
Many students were eager to share their opinions on this breaking news.
“I think it’s a great idea,“ said sophomore William Bevington Hoosier III. “In such a politically divided country, I think it’s fantastic for our President to do his best to relate to trending topics and bond with the students. Plus, I haven’t seen my dad in three years and could really use a father figure right now.”
Other students, like senior Marie Bemaipapi, are opposed to the idea. “I think it’s completely inappropriate for Kelly to do this. ‘Daddy’ is such an ambiguous term. At least pick a name like ‘Leather429’ or ‘ASL1984.’ I think those names are more revealing of person’s character.”
At press time, President Kelly was found at the Palm Beach County Courthouse on his knees, begging Chief Judge Jeffrey Colbath to approve his application, endlessly repeating the phrase, “Please call me Daddy. Please.”