President Kelly Declares Campus-Wide Emergency Forcing Students To Attend Sporting Events

President John Kelly enacted a campus-wide emergency Wednesday in response to the subpar attendance at university sporting events. “We’re going to be signing today and registering a campus-wide emergency, and it’s a great thing to do,” declared Kelly.

Kelly has also reportedly spent an estimated $800,000 to promote future events through Owl TV and Owl Radio, as well as hiring Super Bowl performer Adam Levine, causing several students to express their dissatisfaction with the allocation of funding. “All that money could have spent elsewhere, such as, I don’t know, a new parking garage?” complained Lauren Garsick.

“We have all these other problems on campus,” said Jorge Crisostomo. “There’s a major lack of parking, no one can register for the classes they need, and most of all, the iguanas have been fighting the ducks since 2018.”

Kelly has had other past endeavors in trying to promote school spirit such as introducing body pillows of beloved FAU mascot Lane Kiffin.

“We’re going to fix this university and make it better; we’re going to make FAU great again,” stated Kelly.

At press time, sources confirmed that six of FAU’s ten colleges have pressed charges against Kelly.