Amidst the accusations against the many celebrities and wealthy who have illegally paid enormous sums to guarantee their children a spot in different universities, President Kelly has admitted that he is seriously offended that none of them paid to get their child into FAU.
“Do I smell? Do I dress weird? Tell me, what is it?” President Kelly asked in confusion when speaking on the college admissions bribery scandal. “Why is it that no famous people wanted their child to come to FAU? People would die to get into my school. They wouldn’t even have to bribe me. I would have just allowed it.”
FBI documents show that not a single one of the 46 accused had even a sliver of interest in getting their child into the Florida school. Reporters asked celebrities outside of the accusations if they would want their child to attend FAU, and 97% reportedly said yes, but immediately changed their answer to no once they realized they had confused it with The University of Miami. The other 3% reported they were upset for even being asked.
President Kelly was seen with a box of tissues and a tub of ice cream in his office while watching reruns of Full House. “I would have given Lori Loughlin a big fat ‘You got it, dude,’ if she would have just asked,” Kelly remarked through the sniffles.