President Kelly’s Sextape From ’84 Leaked Online

In what is surprisingly not so shocking news, President Kelly has had his 1984 sextape leaked. It appeared online Thursday night on a random and oddly specific subreddit called r/PresidentKellySextapeFrom1984LeakedOnline. Even weirder, according to multiple reports the subreddit has been active for 5 years with zero posts, and yet it has maintained 50,000 followers before even posting the video. Now it has 500,000.

Talking to a few people who watched the video (I have not seen it, of course), they describe it as having “shit quality.” One person in particular had a lot to say. Winston Smith, a senior majoring in political science, said, “It’s really weird. For one, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr. is playing in the background throughout the video. And another thing, the camera placement is off…it’s almost like someone else placed it there.”

Another witness said, “Eh, I was hoping for an Owlsley leak.” President Kelly has been known to undress for the camera. Not too long ago even, he released his own calendar featuring some suggestive material. After this latest development however, one can only imagine where they might find a copy of that calendar before it’s sold out.

At press time, The Hoot reporters have reached out to President Kelly for a statement. When that didn’t work, they broke onto his property. Sadly, they couldn’t locate the president. More to come.