In order for students to feel more at home for finals week, the FAU Wimberly Library will be refurbishing all study rooms to include prison bars on the windows and doors. Combined with the dilapidated furniture and piles of trash already on the floors of the study rooms, the bars will complete the ambience for anyone ready to lose their mind over finals. Not only will the bars create an atmosphere of discipline, but they will also help alleviate any student’s worries about being able to leave school and graduate while also reminding them of a heartwarming fact: they’re here forever.
In addition to the bars being installed on the windows and doors, complimentary bunk beds and a steel toilet will also be included in every room. All library staff will be trained on how to deal with riots, as well as on disciplinary tactics for those students who will inevitably lose control.
Senior Biology major and inmate 2567 Sally Smith explained that she was excited about the news. “Considering I’ve spent roughly the last two weeks in the library, the bars will be a nice addition,” she said. “I’ve already shanked the group members from my group project out of frustration and made Dunkin Donuts my bitch. Honestly, the bars should have been mandatory weeks ago.”
Due to the high volume of students in the library, those eager for imprisonment may not be sentenced to a study room right away. But do not fear: a 20-foot barbed wire fence will also be placed around the 24-hour Hillel study center. As an added bonus, there is no need to worry about increased tuition costs from the new construction, as the new bars will be funded with student tears and the proceeds from the sales of broken study room TVs.