Professor Braxton entered his Political Theory course 14 minutes late yesterday, leading to three student fatalities.
The classroom tragedy started as so many tragedies do: with a long Starbucks line. “I knew I couldn’t get through the John Locke lecture without a Double Chai Latte,” Professor Braxton explained, “so I planned on arriving a few minutes late.” Little did he realize the terrible consequence of his tardiness.
While he waited in line, debating whether or not he should also buy a pound cake, his students pondered their situation. Anne Rellini, a Sophomore majoring in Political Science, said, “At two minutes past, Ryan started laughing. He muttered, ‘Imagine if he just doesn’t show up.’”
Ryan Martheau, deceased Political Science Major, was reportedly always kind of an asshole. And so, he began explaining everything he could do if he got to leave class at the 15-minute mark. “He talked about grabbing a bite to eat, playing video games, reading Politico. It was like he was trying to send the class into a frenzy,” explained Rellini. “Everybody kept their calm until he started talking about the possibility of a nap.”
The students started counting the seconds on the clock, waiting for their professor to ditch his own class. “In retrospect, I should have gotten the pound cake,” Braxton explained. “I got the sandwich instead, which they of course had to heat up.”
Rellini insists she was the classroom’s voice of reason. “I told them the Fifteen Minute Rule wasn’t even a thing, but they just wouldn’t listen.”
Ryan ripped off his shirt, hopped on the desk, and began chanting, “NAP! NAP! NAP!” Someone then drew a pitchfork out of their bag and handed it to Ryan. Multiple eyewitnesses claim it was Anne Rellini.
An anonymous student explained, “We were all cast under his spell. I mean, the very idea of a nap, with so much work to do? I get why she wants to rewrite history now, but she thought the Fifteen Minute Rule was real… We all did.”
Professor Braxton’s order was taking longer than expected. “The first time they gave me a Single Chai Latte. That’s only half the Chai I had ordered and paid for. I found this unacceptable, so I asked them to make another.” His irresponsible decision allowed the class’s mass delusion to fester.
Jane Powers, junior political science major, had planned on proposing to her boyfriend that evening. She was so excited to miss this class, she took out the bottle of champagne she’d bought for her engagement. Missy Gibbs, a Junior Political Science Major who had once been a high school track runner, took a running stance and looked towards the door. This all happened in the fourteen minutes leading up to the fifteen-minute mark. Then, the unthinkable happened.
Professor Braxton showed up.
“I was happy when they finally got my order right,” he said.
At 3:14:59 PM, a confluence of events happened. “I don’t exactly how it happened,” bride-to-be Jane Powers said. “I was so excited, Ryan was yelling about this nap, and I really wanted a glass of champagne.”
So, Jane Powers uncorked the champagne. At the exact same moment, Professor Braxton opened the door to his classroom. No one can say which was first, what the cause and effect was. All we know now is the bloodshed that resulted.
The cork shot across the room and hit Ryan Martheau in the head, killing him instantly. As he fell back, he accidentally lodged the pitchfork he was holding into Will Bailey’s chest.
“Nobody really knew Will Bailey,” Anne Bellini explains. “He was a quiet kid.”
As all this occurred, former track runner Missy Gibbs bolted towards the door, perhaps because the sound of the unpopped cork reminded her of her glorious track days, perhaps because she just didn’t have the will to live through a John Locke lecture. Her body slammed so quickly into the door, she died instantly.
“I was a little startled, but with a Double Latte in my hand I was ready for anything,” said Professor Braxton. “I didn’t see who had slammed the door shut. I simply took a deep breath and opened it again.”
When he opened the door, he found three of his students dead. Within seconds his presence calmed them down. They held class as usual, forcing the authorities to pick up the bodies after class.
As of press time, the police have named nobody responsible for the incident. “This sort of thing just happens sometimes,” the Boca Raton’s Police Chief Dan Alexander said. “You know how kids are.”
When asked if he would do anything differently, Professor Braxton said, “No, I wouldn’t. You think I’m going to pay for a Double Latte and then settle for a Single Latte?”