On Friday morning, the FAU program board announced their plans to literally burn their entire $11 million budget in cash as part of the opening act to FAU’s OwlFest. This comes after students started voicing concerns like, “Why does Grad Bash land better artists than FAU,” “Is 3OH!3 the guy who did the party rock song,” and, “Oh my God, I don’t even remember buying this T-pain song on iTunes.” According to sources, the program board thought that burning the $11 million on stage would be a wiser investment of everyone’s time and would actually last longer than Levi Stephens’s entire career.
“I don’t know why everyone is complaining. Everyone loves the bonfire, but when we make another fire, everyone gets mad,” said an angry and confused Jaxon Burton, member of the program board. “Look, fire is really cool. And to see every student’s tuition put in a pile and lit aflame for no reason? Now that’s a magical moment you can only get at FAU.”
At press time, members of the FAU program board were seen sweeping piles of hundred dollar bills to the center of the performing stage as Lane Kiffin and the OwlFest performers nibbled on the bills that fell to the grass.