Report: Dickwad Squirrels Move for Nobody

The amount of squirrel-related harm to human beings at FAU has increased 52% in the past year, according to a study conducted by the University’s Department of Squirrel Observation. Of all the incidents reported, over 80% of the cases involved longboarders crashing.

Most crashes occurred due to members of the squirrel population sitting directly in front of the skateboarders, as if purposely looking to cause harm. “They literally will not move for anyone,” said junior Carl Winslet, who was recently hospitalized due to these pernicious pests. “Why do they hate us so much?”

“Hate? No,” said John Plume, squirrel king, giggling. “We like mischief. Funny to watch humans. Funny when they fall.” With a twitchy nose and jerky motions, Plume then hopped over to a picnic bench. “Squirrels bored. Squirrels make entertainment.”

Freshman Lia Bee said, “Dude, I was on my longboard in the breezeway this one time when one of these assholes just jumped in front of me and started zigzagging, like it wanted me to crash!”

King Plume confirmed that is exactly what he and his brethren try to do. “It’s game,” he said. “Giant banyan tree in field? We keep tally there. Our secret hideout. You’ll never find.”

FAU Police have been searching for the squirrels’ hideout since Friday morning when students left for break, but the acorn trails have all gone cold. The investigation is slated to continue for the rest of the week, since campus police are no longer busy keeping up the image of being productive around students. Stay tuned for further updates.