Report: Students Breaking Their Own Legs for Disabled Parking Passes

Data from a new study by the FAU Office of Parking and Transportation has revealed that upwards of 65% of the FAU student body has been intentionally finding ways to break their limbs in order to be eligible for disabled parking spots. “This has really become an epidemic,” states Sam Botros, Assistant Director of Parking and Transportation. “We understand how limited parking can be on this campus, and we know just how appealing it looks to see all of these extra handicapped parking spots just waiting to be filled. That being said, we must go on record to state that we are strongly against the practice of intentionally breaking your legs for these extremely coveted parking spots.”

Tommy Blatt, a second year business student at FAU, has broken both his legs after successfully jumping off a countertop at the school’s Chik-fil-A. “It wasn’t even a judgment call. I am just sick of waiting up to a half hour to find a shitty spot far away from my class. Now that both of my legs are broken, it legit only takes ten seconds to get to class!” exclaimed the irreversibly disabled sophomore.

At press time, the FAU Office of Parking and Transportation revealed plans to keep up with the times and make the majority of parking spots disabled-only, leaving the few students with no broken limbs wondering where they will park.