Returning Campus Resident Bids Sorrowful Goodbye to Home Shower

Scrubbing himself clean one final time, FAU student Eddie Duvall bid a sorrowful farewell to his home shower Wednesday before returning to live on campus for the fall semester. “I’ll forever cherish the hot and steamy memories we shared together,” said Duvall, whose daily three-hour-long showering sessions over the course of the summer have subsequently increased his family’s water bill costs to the point where they now lie on the brink of financial ruin. “I never truly understood the strong feelings I possessed for my home shower until I went away for college. It’s like leaving the love of your life for another woman, except the woman you left her for is a cold cesspool of filth and infectious disease, and you can only be around her if you have protective footwear. By the time you realize the terrible mistake you’ve made, you can only pray that your one true love accepts you back so that she can again spray you with warm love and endure your repeated failure to accurately recite the lyrics to ‘Some Like It Hot’ by The Power Station.”

At press time, Duvall was seen treating his athlete’s foot with a topical antifungal medication after using his dormitory shower without shower slippers.