Yesterday, sophomore sociology major and Army ROTC Cadet Emily Barkley was swarmed with thanks for her service. With her fake M-16 in her arms and her kevlar helmet on the table, Cadet Barkley was waiting patiently for her coffee at the FAU Starbucks when she was greeted with a parade of well wishers waving American flags and giving her all the Starbucks she wanted.
Barkley was lifted up in her chair and paraded around the coffee spot as a massive swarm of students came storming out of the food court to sing the national anthem in her honor. Eyewitnesses report that a flock of bald eagles flew by as well, shitting fireworks over the patriotic congregation. “It is just, like, so hard serving in ROTC,” Barkley said while dodging the volleys of flowers being shot at her. “The South Atropia People’s Army may be a fake coalition from a fake country created solely to give ROTC cadets something to fight against, but the trauma of fighting them every day is real.” Barkley basked in the glory of the recognition and gave a speech about the harsh realities of service, recounting such harrowing details as the free college and monthly stipend. When asked about what she wanted to do when she graduated and became an officer, Barkley snickered at her own fearless intentions, then posed for a photo before saying, “I am going to be an airborne Ranger sniper astronaut Special Forces chaplain badass.”
“Dude, I went and thanked her like nine times for her service,” said Iraqi war vet and Dance major Tim Verros, who was reading about his VA benefits being slashed when he spotted Barkley being gifted a free lunch from the campus Wendy’s. “ROTC is so much harder than being in Iraq. I got shot at every day during my five different deployments, but being a Cadet is so much harder. Thank God for her bravery.”
At press time, Barkley was seen being carried on a throne during her morning formation.