Senior Bette Porter was driving out of Parking Garage I late Wednesday night when she reportedly found the confines of a sex cult hidden in the shadows of the third floor.
“At first I thought it was a small nudist colony of like 15 people,” said Porter when asked by reporters to describe what she had witnessed. “But when I asked one of them if that was what they were, the person was like, ‘Nah, I’m the leader and nudity isn’t really our main thing.’”
Word of Porter’s discovery has spread throughout campus, leaving some students concerned and most turned on.
“They finally found out about that?” said Professor Trey Hughes about the sex cult that secretly lived a floor above his parking space for three years. “Everyone knew about those guys. It’s hard to not know about them since they get so loud.”
At press time, sources confirmed that the members were all safe, sane, and consensual regarding their affiliation with the cult, claiming that they were “Big advocators of practicing safe sex and better sex education” before getting funky on the cold concrete of the parking garage.