Have you seen someone fuckable on campus but you were too awkward to ask for their name? Let The Hoot help you find them by giving us a message and a brief description of when and where they first caught your lustful eye.
HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO
You: Blond guy in a hoodie eating a shake outside of Chick-Fil-A.
Me: Guy in a frog suit
Message: I like the way you slurp. Your Hot Topic wardrobe leaves something to be desired, and I have a feeling you played too much of that Tony Hawk game as a kid. But still, if you’re looking for a good time, I have only one question: Where’s the beef?
When: February 3
Where: Outside Chick-fil-A
Time: 8:16 PM
SAD GIRL WITH THE SPOTTED DRESS
You: Sorority girl with the polka-dotted skirt crying about her boyfriend on the phone.
Me: Guy in a porpoise suit
Message: I feel your pain, Rebecca. I, too, have felt the arrow of love lodge its way into my heart. Our situations have many differences — my zoologist hid his real passion for animals from me, while it was Brad’s inability to see your true inner beauty that tore you two apart — but I too feel lonely in this world, adrift amongst a sea of simpletons who have no chance of seeing the real me. It doesn’t matter how much I achieve or how hard I try. There’ll always be a horse with bigger balls than mine! I’m not even interested in sex. I just want to sit down and have coffee with you, maybe develop a deep friendship that can teach me how to connect again.
When: February 4
Where: On the bench outside the Breezeway
Time: 1:42 AM to 3:25 AM
RED CURTAINS, AMBIGUOUS DRAPES
You: Red-headed jock struggling at the vending machine.
Me: Guy in a unicorn suit
Message: You really struggled to get that Rice Krispies bar out of the machine, didn’t you, bad boy? Really shook that machine around, shoved your bill in there and showed it who’s boss. If you want somebody who can snap, crackle, and pop, you make sure to get in contact. 😉 xXx
When: February 4
Where: At the vending machine near the Breezeway entrance
Time: 3:26 AM
Has anyone around campus rustled your jimmies? Feel free to email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or just masturbate about it.