Shitty Creative Writing Student: ‘I’m Great At This’

Finals season is a time of grave distress for most, but in the creative writing classes across the Boca Raton campus, there is one truly great writer who has zero worries. Mark Reeves is a self proclaimed writer, and he is confident in his self-declared profession. “I am the Hemingway of our time,” said Reeves while smoking a loose cigarette outside the Culture and Society building. “Let me tell you, my Submittable account is greatly active with all of my poems and my short story masterpieces.”

When confronted about his course work, Reeves was remarkably open to the Hoot reading it. Reeves handed our reporters selections from his Poetry Workshop 2 course and his Fiction Workshop class. His writing was covered in corrections from peer reviews.

“This is probably the worst piece of shit that I have ever read. Either stop writing about sparkly vampires or just fucking stop writing,” read a comment on one of Reeves’ fiction pieces.

“My guy, you’re not Robert Frost or Lord Byron. Stop with all these cliches about random scenes of nature. You’re unoriginal,” read a comment on Reeves’ latest poem.

Even the professor of both of these courses, Dr. Walt Longfellow, was extremely critical of Reeves’ work. “Mark, in all of my years of literary exploration, I have never come across another body of work like yours that makes me want to sacrifice myself to a bloodcurdling haglike creature that wants to rip my face off with its teeth. In the words of George R.R. Martin, you are as useless as nipples on a breastplate.”

“Listen, I write for The Odyssey,” Reeves said while smiling as he went through his work. “F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway faced hard times while writing. Dr. Longfellow is just unappreciative of post-modernists. Magical realism is my life!” Reeves then adjusted his patched tweed jacket and picked up his copy of his favorite novel, Moon People by Dale Courtney.

At press time, Reeves was going through his FAU email account that had over one hundred denial emails for work he had submitted to literary journals. One of FAU’s literary magazines, Swamp Ape Review, responded back to Reeves, “Just no, please no. Never again.” Reeves sat there and laughed. “These silly people, they will all sing my praises when I release the next great American novel.”