Snow Birds And Other Signs Of The Apocalypse

A chill hangs in the air. Here at FAU, it is not common for us to don sweaters and jackets, but it does tend to happen around this time of the year. As we brace ourselves for chilly weather, there is a greater horror than numbingly cold hands in store for us. 

If you happen to be a commuter student, or drive a car, you may spot an unusually high number of Massachusetts, New York, and Connecticut license plates. Those of us that have spent some time in Florida or other southern states know this as a phenomenon known as “Snow Birds.”

Every winter they flock to our sunny streets and cause absolute fucking chaos. Their driving standards are fit for their cramped city streets, but here in Boca, where the driving is already bordering on Mad Max: Fury Road, the combination is one that makes us believe, and hope, the end is near.

At press time, when asked what he believes are sure signs of the apocalypse, FAU student John Patmos said, “I’d have to say an invasive species like iguanas or something. If Lane Kiffin leaves. Snow Birds for sure, and umm… oh yeah if the Super Bowl ends up in Miami.” Our reporter went on to inform him that Lane had left, and the Super Bowl is in fact in Miami. “Oh fuck,” Patmos said with a clear look of dismay.