Sophomore Cries Into Smirnoff Ice; Sadly Whispers, “I Miss Club Boca”

With the loss of his most beloved Club Boca still bothering him, sophomore Economics major Holden Chavez cried into a stiff glass of Smirnoff Ice and sadly whispered that he missed Club Boca. Despite the nightclub closing months ago, Chavez still finds it hard to move on. “Ah, I can still hear it,” said Chavez as he sipped his stiff drink. “I greatly miss those ‘Sk8er Boi’ remixes by DJ H#llV@ LIP.”

Chavez gently put down his glass on his UVA studio apartment desk and closed his eyes as a single tear dripped down his cheek to the floor. “Once, at Club Boca, asses used to drop to the floor. Now it is just my tears.”

When asked about what he has done to move on from his mourning period, Chavez shook his head in pain. He then took his glass and took another sip before collecting himself. “I did Rooftop a few times, but only when they were not checking identification at the door,” added a now composed Chavez.  “The lack of hot remixes and 15-year-old girls ordering bottle service really showed me how much I need my beloved back.”

At press time, Chavez was seen going to make himself another stiff drink of Smirnoff Ice and reminiscing on those olden days of his glory at a club filled with patrons that had low-grade fevers.