Finally addressing the temporary fencing placed around the Social Science Building, FAU publicly unveiled Thursday the long-awaited blueprints to the Spaceship Building remodel. While construction is still underway, the work includes concrete repairs, restroom refurbishment, and a state-of-the-art teleportation room.
In September of 2016, many were shocked to discover that the Social Science building had indeed been a docked spacecraft all along. Following the bizarre revelation, FAU has reportedly spent over a year reverse engineering the alien vessel’s elusive technology and creating a teleportation room to assist with the university’s parking crisis.
“Parking was getting so bad, and we were running out of options,” said Harold Cortez, a senior administrator from Facilities Management. “We were very close to saying ‘fuck those birds’ and decimating a whole burrowing owl nest to make room for another parking garage, but we ultimately decided that bending the rules of space and time would make for a much simpler, more humane alternative.”
The project may reportedly require several more years to complete, but according to close sources, preliminary tests have successfully been able to transfer subjects to the vast, uncolonized nothingness of what we don’t know and perhaps don’t want to know about, and the Davie campus.
“Tests have been going exceedingly well,” explained Charles Macintosh, a physicist from FAU’s physics department. “The subjects disappear immediately. While we aren’t certain where they all end up, a majority of the subjects have been the local iguanas. Please do not associate these occurrences with the recent reports of dead iguanas found around campus.”