Misfortune befell freshman Bernard Evans this morning when he unintentionally locked eyes with a Sigma Chi recruiter on the Breezeway while on his way to class. According to student sources, Evans was woefully outmatched as the recruiter quickly took hold of the opportunity to engage contact.
“My tunnel vision broke and my eyes began to wander until they met that eager, unmistakable stare shielded behind a pair of black-framed Oakley sunglasses,” said Evans in a statement. “Before I could reach for my can of Mace, I was drawn into an eight-minute conversation with this frat douche informing me of all the possible benefits of enlisting into his cult.”
Many have reportedly met the same terrible fate as Evans. Consequently, the number of classroom tardies has increased substantially, with many students claiming they frankly do not have the heart to explain their disinterest to fraternity recruiters.
“I’m sure they’re nice people,” expressed sophomore Jamie Sanchez. “But this is the third time I’ve been late to Music Appreciation and it’s only the second week of the semester. I’ll try to hastily walk past them while checking my watch or something so that they’ll notice I’m in a hurry and hopefully leave me alone, but nothing ever works! It’s almost like they know I don’t want to be bothered and single me out because of it. Any person with a clipboard is just bad news.”
Sources close to Evans confirm that ever since his encounter with the fraternity recruiter, he has retired from wearing sleeveless shirts in an effort to draw less attention to himself when crossing the Breezeway.
“They’re parasites, all of them!” Evans went on to say. “Not just the recruiters, but the blood drive volunteers, the PETA activists — hell, even the homeless. They’re all so selfish, trying to leech off my precious time. I don’t understand why terrible things like this happen to good, honest people like me.”