Student Eats at Dining Hall, Dies in Bathroom Stall

FAU Freshman Juan Fuladio was found dead Friday afternoon in the Student Union bathroom after eating at the Atlantic Dining Hall, known colloquially around the university’s Boca campus as ‘The Caf.’ Sources confirmed that Juan spent forty-five minutes in The Caf eating 3 slices of pizza, a burger with wing sauce and pickles, 4 cookies, and a tabbouleh salad before retreating to the stall where he would pass away. Students reportedly heard thundering releases of flatulence coming from the stall, with one student claiming he heard Juan yell out, “God, no! Why do I do this… every time?!” Friends of Juan said they warned him about eating at The Caf, but he would always say, “Where else could I get cheese fries on top of a Belgian waffle? I gotta make this $1700 investment count!”

Regarding the stall where Juan passed away, a member of the custodial team said, “There was shit everywhere–on the floor, walls, ceiling. This is the first person to die, but goddamn, this is my third time cleaning shit off of a stall this week.”