Last Friday, Advanced Geography student Mortimer Woodstein got way too personal during the classroom icebreaker.
It all started when Ms. Barker had all the students in her class say their name and one fun fact about themselves. Most of the students fulfilled the task as minimally as possible. Suzie Cloud, for instance, thinks dogs are cute.
Mara Hoover really enjoyed going to Miami this Winter Break, Leia Strasberg is excited to have turned 21, and Ed Mann watches a lot of Netflix.
Mortimer Woodstein, on the other hand, decided to tell the class his whole life story. He began with the simple fun fact, “I’m worried about how much ecstasy my sister is doing.” Since his father had a drug problem, he didn’t want his sister going down the same path.
He further explained that his father was actually an auto mechanic back in the sixties, but there was a terrible accident that led him to start taking morphine. This spiralled out of control, as these things do, until Mortimer’s father went to rehab and found a good support group.
Ms. Barker began to thank Woodstein for the interesting story, in an attempt to shut him up. Woodstein, for some reason, continued.
“I’ve been thinking about going to a support group myself, because sometimes I want to have sex with animals,” he said. “I’m not a bad guy, I’ve never done it or anything. It’s just that sometimes I think, ‘Yeah, that iguana looks like it’s having a good time. But wouldn’t it have a better time in my bed?’”
He then began to describe his maternal grandfather’s numerous experiences with beastiality, as well as his maternal grandmother’s time as a kink matron in Weimar Germany. This, of course, reminded him of the time his paternal grandmother tried to convince everyone she was the reincarnation of Otto von Bismarck.
After Woodstein had finished his forty-minute saga, fellow student Craig Lerner had just a few moments to say his icebreaker. His fun fact? “I’m allergic to peanuts.”