Despite her sincerest efforts, FAU junior Ashley Fischer failed to uphold her New Year’s resolution to cry less after taking one glimpse at her Money and Banking syllabus. Students in Fischer’s class reported that she lasted a full three minutes and forty seconds into the semester before bawling hysterically. “Honestly, this is a new record for me,” Fischer said. “Last semester I immediately cried in the parking lot after I couldn’t find a spot in under two minutes.”
Although Fischer was the first to break into to a loud, sudden sob, many classmates joined in with her after the words “research paper” and “required attendance” came out of the professor’s mouth.
In order to keep spirits up this semester, FAU Student Health Services will host a 1-hour seminar next Tuesday titled “We’re Owl In This Together,” where students will gather to collectively express their grief. For many, this will serve as a reminder that they will be miserable until graduation, and what little free time they have left will now be reserved exclusively for crying themselves to sleep. The seminar will grant students an opportunity to prepare themselves for the inevitable lament into a bowl of melting ice cream after receiving a failing grade on a pop quiz.
Fischer will not be the only student to weep in sorrow this week, as many students are expected to forget all the fun they had over winter break after a quick scan of the upcoming assignments and exams that await them. Sources confirmed that intermittent sighs followed by slow, sloppy weeping were heard echoing throughout Fleming Hall.