Student Pushes On Pull Door; Forever Banished From Society

At 8:57 a.m. Friday morning, FAU junior Thomas Weatherford committed an atrocious act no man nor woman should ever commit. An act so vile, so horrendous, and completely disrespectful to his family, his friends, and everyone he has ever come into contact with. Bystanders were left in utter disgust as they watched Weatherford engage in the awful deed, awed as to why anyone would do such a thing. In what seemed like an instant, an entire community was completely destroyed when Weatherford was caught red-handed attempting to forcibly push on a door only fit for pulling.

Immediately following the event, news of the incident spread like wildfire. FAU’s social media correspondent Suzie Flats noted that 90% of students that were within eyesight of Weatherford included him in their Snapchat stories. “It was like a bad car crash,” Flats noted. “You know it’s horrendous and you shouldn’t be staring, but you just can’t look away.”

Weatherford’s deplorable act did not go unpunished. Immediately following the incident, angry crowds comprised of both students and faculty proceeded to destroy Weatherford’s Ford Focus and beat him into submission with pillow cases filled with bars of soap. After receiving word of the incident, Weatherford’s parents, Martha and Benny Weatherford, immediately took action to disown their son and strip him of his inheritance.

Weatherford’s whereabouts are currently unknown. He was last seen fleeing campus struggling to find an exit. Although many believe he retreated to the campus lake to live among the ducks, this theory is highly improbable, as Weatherford would have had to exit at least two more pull doors in order to reach the exit.