Senior student Becky Roberto found herself freshly dead instead of eating fresh this Wednesday afternoon after taking a marathon hike to the campus Subway. Eyewitnesses report that Becky collapsed one footlong away from the door, where she then died of dysentery and exhaustion.
Although death by dysentery is customary outside Subway restaurants, the biopsy revealed that it was not the actual digestion of a Subway sandwich that killed the student, but the expedition to get there.
To prevent any further casualties, the Boca Raton Regional Hospital has started a program called Sandwich Calamity Prevention. Leading director Dr. Amanda Reece advises the best way to prevent death altogether is to avoid taking the journey in the first place. “Leave it to the professionals with skateboards and bicycles,” said Reece. “There are plenty of better options on campus if you want something to annihilate your stomach while you wallow in self-pity. Jow Jing in the food court, for example, is the perfect alternative if you’re looking for the putrid red-headed stepchild of semi-edible swamp scum.”
Becky’s parents are holding memorial services this Saturday, where they will be making the pilgrimage to the same Subway themselves in honor of Becky. For those who wish to participate, Dr. Reece has prepared a “Journey Training Package” that students can pick up at FAU Student Health Services. The package contains the 1971 Computer game “The Oregon Trail”, a pack of Depends adult diapers in case of dysentery, and a box of Band-Aids. For those of who do not wish to participate, just go to fucking Chick-fil-A next time.