Students Ditch Advising, Turn to On-Campus Astrologer for Graduation Forecast

Student Services faculty at FAU were shocked to discover this week that an on-campus astrologer has been predicting the dates of students’ graduations. This discovery came after she was seen promoting her services next to the table where the weird guy sells crystals at the Breezeway’s Thursday market. An astrologer and self-diagnosed empath, Estelle “Moon Walker” Jones gives ten-minute readings to any student who is concerned that the department advisors are incorrect about the semester during which they are on track to graduate.

“The advisors have been wrong three times. Three. Times,” laments super-duper-dippity-doo-da senior Grayson Ramirez. “The first time that they were wrong, I was like, ‘ok, it happens.’ The second time I just assumed they were being dicks as they usually seem disinterested and kind of cunty. By the third time, it became clear that they were completely making stuff up. I mean, what the hell does Winter-adjacent even mean?!”

Estelle is positive her business thrives at FAU because students are in need of someone they can trust. “The advisors use guesswork. I use the stars. Now how can anyone argue with that?”

It seems that no one can, as dozens of students with nowhere else to go line up at her wagon every morning. The wait time to see her can last more than twenty degrees on a sundial. In order to help the wait go by quickly, those in line can play with the several ravens Estelle keeps as pets.

Even with her high accuracy rate, Ramirez was skeptical about going to Estelle for a reading. Upon walking out of her incense-filled shanty, however, a tear of joy slid down his cheek. “She said Spring.”

If you would like to book an appointment with Estelle, please write your name and email on a sheet of paper and light it on fire between three and four in the morning.