A study conducted by the Miami Anatomy & Physiology Research Center has revealed that, whether he did it knowingly or subconsciously, there is a 96% chance that a male who has used more than one parking spot for a single vehicle has an abnormally tiny penis.
Lead anatomist of the study Alana Simon conducted the research by leaving a single note on all double parked cars at FAU with a simple three part questionnaire:
- Have you ever measured your penis before?
- Do you like the band Shinedown?
- Have you spent over $1,000 this month on unnecessary car parts for your killer ‘stang?
Simon believed these questions were adequate in getting the necessary information to prove her case and felt no need to ask for actual size. In order to ensure a sufficient amount of data for her study, Simon included a rebate for an Ed Hardy shirt if the questionnaire was filled out accurately and timely.
Confused by the 4% of students who claimed the Ed Hardy rebate but did not answer yes to all of the questions, Simon looked further. She ultimately found that all of these students were actually late to a class with a professor who actually takes attendance, and decided that their lack of human decency was completely justified.
Unfortunately there is currently no permanent solution to prevent those insecure about their tiny penis from stealing parking spots from regularly-endowed commuters. For now, however, gym selfies with a bro, an Ed Hardy shirt, and a Bud Light Lime are the only reported ways to divert these people from taking more than a single parking spot.