President Kelly Archives

News April 21, 2020

Breaking: President Kelly Finally Makes A Statement

At a surprise press conference Monday night, President Kelly released an officially unofficial statement regarding both the Covid-19 cases and the Housing debacle reported on…

News April 16, 2020

President Kelly To Send TBHs To Everyones Email

While times may be strange right now, with all students taking remote classes and slightly losing our grasp on reality, there is hope. President Kelly…

News March 13, 2019

President Kelly Offended No Celebrities Paid To Get Their Child Into FAU

Amidst the accusations against the many celebrities and wealthy who have illegally paid enormous sums to guarantee their children a spot in different universities, President…

News, Politics, Sports February 20, 2019

President Kelly Declares Campus-Wide Emergency Forcing Students To Attend Sporting Events

President John Kelly enacted a campus-wide emergency Wednesday in response to the subpar attendance at university sporting events. “We’re going to be signing today and…

Listicles August 29, 2018

7 President Kelly Tweets That Reveal He’s A Shapeshifting Reptilian Humanoid

1. Most would assume he was just enjoying his summer, but don’t scaley monsters also like to rest in the sun? 2. Hiding something, Kelly?…

News, Politics July 30, 2017

Confused FAU President John Kelly Prepares Himself for New Job as White House Chief of Staff

FAU President John Kelly became confused on Friday afternoon as he realized United States President Donald Trump had named “John F Kelly” the new White…