Top 5 Tips for Catching Your Man on Valentine’s Day

By Carrie Burgendorf

Bonjour, my lovely Care Bears! As any woman with high social standing or an excellent rack can tell you, men are easily manipulated. So, even if the guy of your current fantasies isn’t interested now, these 5 easy tips will make sure he’s yours by V-Day!

Tip #1: Be aloof at all times. Or sometimes. Maybe never.

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Okay, this one’s probably obvious. Everyone knows that guys want a girl who is never clear. For example, try raising your hand in class and answering every question with, “At the end of the day, earth travels in an ellipse.” Or while ahead of him in line at Starbucks, try ordering by saying, “I’ll have a soy whatever.” Even the male barista will be interested and probably hang on your every word, responding with something like, “A soy what?” If he sounds irritated, that only mean it’s working. Go during rush hour.

Tip #2: Track down his old AIM Messenger screen name and message him.

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Guys love nostalgia, and nothing reminds a guy of when he first became interested in girls quite like AIM Messenger. Try sending him a flirty little message like, “Watching all of Season 2 of Full house ;)” If he’s down or even remotely cool, he’ll know what that means. Try messaging him in class or when you see him standing in the courtyard from your dorm room window. Be sure to make aggressive eye contact immediately after you hit send.

Tip #3: Dress just like him.

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You’ve probably heard a guy say that “one of the sexiest things a woman can do is wear a guy’s shirt.” And that is so true. But we’re on a tight deadline here, so amp it up a bit and wear his pants, too. Also try his shirt, a belt, and try finding his exact pair of sneakers. Dress just like him. Become him. Nothing turns a guy on like himself, and if you do it enough, it’s sure to be a conversation starter. Try saying something like, “Which one of us is going to change? Let’s both slip into something more comfortable…” And then whip out two identical boxed sets of pajamas. Total boxers-peeler.

Tip #4: Speak to him exclusively in buddy cop/heist movie quotes.

One of the biggest mistakes I notice is that girls will talk to guys about anything. That couldn’t be more wrong. If you want to caress a man’s ear with language, restrict your words to quotes from buddy cop or heist movies. I would suggest such classics as “Let’s be Cops,” “Tower Heist,” or “The Shawshank Redemption.” If you’re able to do Morgan Freeman’s voice with that last one, make sure your legs are shaved because he’ll want to to rock ‘n’ roll right then and there. If you’ve never seen a buddy cop or heist movie, just look into his eyes and say something like, “Let’s do this sh*t!” or, “Give it to me straight, man!” or, “It’s about to go down!” Or my personal favorite, “I doubt they’d come looking for an old crook like me.”

Tip #5: Forward him this article.

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You can thank me on February 15th.

Greal Talk by Carrie Burgendorf is your one-stop source for real monthly tips for real girls really living.