In going through routine security checkpoints at Fort Lauderdale–Hollywood International Airport, harmless FAU sophomore Jeff Camby was detained Wednesday by the TSA due to his suspiciously below-average penis size.
Flying overnight from Vermont for his summer semester, Camby claimed he was concerned that the TSA would notice his small wang. “I’ve always been aware that I’ve had an underwhelming penis. And between that dude getting kicked off a plane for doing Math and those crazy body scans, I knew that it was only a matter of time until I got stopped for my slightly-below-average-sized cock,” explained Camby. With TSA procedures becoming more invasive every year, it’s no mystery why innocent students like Camby have begun to worry that their innocent human flaws could be a reason to be labeled “dangerous.”
“As soon as I walked through that X-Ray device, I swear I could feel the TSA agents becoming tense. The lady observing my scan immediately reached for the Panic button,” Camby recounted. “It was at that point I realized that my time had come.”
TSA agents started congregating by the body scanner, trying to uncover the “obvious”terrorist threat staring them in the face. “Honestly, we’ve never seen a more suspicious penis at this airport before. We were positive it was some type of explosive device,” explained TSA agent Melissa Lewis. Camby was soon asked to step aside, where a drug detection k9 sniffed his crotch area.
“I initially thought I was an innocent man, but then I became convinced I had some sort of contraband. I knew I had a bottle of Advil… I could tell by that point the entire airport was beginning to turn against me.” Eventually, the pressure caused Camby to realize that he was, in fact, ISIS. “It’s all so clear to me now. The reason I would feel so guilty in these situations… I was always just the physical embodiment of a vast terrorism network intent on destroying everything in my path. I can’t believe I’ve been living this normal human lie my whole life.”
The experience has transformed Camby, who hopes to return home to Syria once the TSA lets him out of their custody. In the meantime, he remains positive. “I’ll return to my roots and continue this mission. It’s never too late to be your true self.”