Two Injured In Devastating Lane Train Collision

FAU’s university-renowned and universally loved locomotive has experienced its first derailment in Game Week history. On Monday, a rogue Lane Train brutally struck two innocents commuting between the Rec Center and General Classroom South. The victims, Janice Andrews and Juan Villaseñor, are currently being given some ice and condoms at Owls Care. 

When asked how the Lane Train veered so far from its charted course, the conductor, junior Carlos Valdez, cans of Monster Energy in each hand, told us, “It just spiraled off the tracks, bro. Shit’s crazy.” 

“They tried to warn me,” Valdez said of the cheerleaders, Keisha Sommers and Annie Yang, passengers on the ill-fated vehicle. “They were yelling that the train should never cross the Breezeway, but the sign only said no golf carts, skates, or bicycles. A train is not one of those things.” 

The Lane Train, a “pimped out” [sic] version of a seemingly innocuous miniature model train, often used in shopping malls around the holiday season, is equipped with a giant cardboard head of the beloved FAU football coach Lane Kiffin. The locomotive, now damaged from the impact of multiple human bodies, is currently at the FAU racing garage for repairs and new modifications.

“I think that even when tragedies like this happen, some good can come of it,” said Valdez.

“We want to put flames over the dents.”