Unattended Candy Bowl Has No Idea What’s Coming to It

According to reports, a local Halloween-themed candy bowl remains absolutely oblivious to the cruel fate awaiting it Halloween evening when it will be filled with an assortment of chocolates and left unattended on the front porch of the Ortega residence like live bait. With only a flimsy sheet of paper reading “Happy Halloween! Please take only one candy each!” to serve as its shield, the forlorn candy bowl will, without a doubt, be utterly decimated by the vicious hordes of trick-or-treaters gearing up to mount a full-scale assault.

One of the bloodthirsty invaders will be Tommy Eaton, a third grade boy who reportedly plans to dress up alongside his friends as a posse of marauding cowboys. “The boys and I are eating good tonight,” said the eight-year-old, as he menacingly sucked on a lollipop from the bag of candy his mother explicitly reminded him was reserved for trick-or-treaters. “Every year, the Ortegas leave a bowl of candy in front of their house while they’re out at a Halloween party or something. All the kids in the neighborhood know about it, so we have to get there early before all the treats are gone. Also, it’s a school night and my mom says I have to be in bed by nine.”

Despite its grim chances of survival, the pitifully ignorant candy bowl retains a tragic sense of optimism. “It’s my first Halloween since getting off the assembly line!” said the doomed jack-o-lantern themed candy bowl, obviously unaware of what befell the Ortega’s original candy bowl last Halloween after a group of seventeen-year-olds chucked it through the window of a neighbor’s house without even taking any candy first. “Let’s hope that the Ortegas fill me to the brim with yummy sweets! Although, if I had to say what I’m truly excited for, I think it would probably be all the smiling faces of those trick-or-treaters and their wonderful costumes!”

At press time, the hapless candy bowl’s blood-curdling cries were heard as it was gruesomely eviscerated by a pack of trick-or-treaters dressed as zombies in an unfortunate display of irony.