On Tuesday night, the United States of America threw a going away party to celebrate its retirement from being a free country. With 241 years behind it, the country reportedly blames “unexpected circumstances” as the reasoning behind its soon to be absence from the world.
“I think it’s time to call it quits. We had a good run with this whole freedom and equality thing,” said a disappointed America. “Did you see how close we were to equality? Like, another 200 years and we would be so close. But hey, let’s all just eat a fucking hot dog and gorge ourselves with watermelon slices,” the country said, staring longingly at an empty can of bud light.
At press time, America agreed to be split up by Native American tribes after winning an intense game of truth or dare. When asked for any final words, America proclaimed that its legacy will live on through its accomplishments, like its world renowned healthcare, affordable higher education, and its greatest achievement, the Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell.