UVA Secedes From FAU

Reports coming in from FAU’s Department of Housing state that in the early hours of December 6, 2019, a secret cabal met in the recreation room of the University Village Apartments. What is now being dubbed “The Pool Table Conclave” drew representatives from all of UVA’s apartment buildings. During this meeting, the representatives hashed out the terms under which UVA would secede from FAU as a whole. All representatives of the conclave then signed a document titled “The Articles of Secession,” outlining UVA’s grievances, stating that UVA is in open rebellion against FAU and that UVA has renamed itself “The Confederation of Separate Apartments,” or CSA. The document was then sent to the Housing Department.

The CSA’s Press Secretary, Political Science major John Reagan, during his first press conference, had this to say regarding the early morning secession: “The citizens of The Confederation of Separate Apartments have toiled for too long! Unlike our brothers and sisters in IVA, we had no washing machines in our apartments! We had no dishwashers! We had constant issues with water and power! Yet the tyrant across East University Drive thinks they can extort us for all our money? No more! Jeff Davis, President of our Confederation of Separate Apartments, has negotiated terms not with the Tyrant, nay, but with Bed Bath & Beyond to furnish our apartments with dishwashers and washing machines! Our Engineering majors have fixed our power grids and water pipes!” 

Reports from the apartment of George Trenholm, an Economics major, and the CSA’s Treasury secretary, state that the CSA has organized and drafted a new rent plan. “The fact that FAU was charging each resident and not charging rent per apartment was ridiculous,” said Trenholm. “When you get an apartment with a friend, say the rent is $1,500 a month, you and said friend split that rent. That’s essentially the rent code now. I decreased the overall cost of rent, considering the CSA can operate significantly cheaper than FAU proper can, and made rent payments monthly to make it easier on our citizens.” Trenholm’s plan projects the CSA to have a hefty surplus. 

Some of that surplus money is being used to prepare the CSA for war. An impromptu militia was formed overnight, and at the helm is duel History and Criminal Justice major, and avid war reenactor, Rob Lee. Eyewitnesses say that Lee was promoted to the rank of General of the Militia by Pres. Davis at noon. Gen. Lee was last seen entering his apartment with Pres. Davis after the ceremony commemorating his promotion. The two were accompanied by CSA Secretary of War Jude Benjamin, and two other CSA militia officers: Jubal Early, an English major, and Trisha “Stonewall” Jackson, an Exercise Science major. Hoot reporters were not permitted into Lee’s apartment, but rumors among the CSA militia ranks say that the five were planning an attack.

As of press time, FAU has made no official statements regarding the secession.