Wet ASMR-Chewing Now Adds Spice to Your Online Lecture

For those of you still pondering the benefits of safely learning remotely during a nationwide health crisis where dangerous virus particles can quite literally spread through the inhalation of vapors like some horrible miasma, look no further! FAU is now including a secret, special, unannounced benefit to help enhance your virtual learning experience. 

Now, through the questionably unmuted webcam microphones of your ravenously hungry classmates, the delectable privilege of hearing their every cautious, languid chomp and clogged nose sniff is finally accessible—for free! 

No paywall here, no hidden fees, all included in your class’ tuition. Nothing but continually scrumptious, deliciously damp slurping. In person classes could never give you tingles like this. Feeling unmotivated in your psych course? Feeling lost in your maths? Now you can train your eyes to focus only upon your own little beautiful face in the corner, nestle in some AirPods into your sweet ear holes, and prepare to receive an immersive, squishy, and satisfying asmr experience. Gentle, moist mastication during class time never felt so right. 

Owls love it so much, they can’t stop talking about it! “I mean, I didn’t ask for it, but like, I don’t want to interrupt the class,” says junior Luke Williamson. “I don’t know if the professor can hear it or if I am literally starting to lose my mind. Thankfully, now I can finally eat and perform other activities necessary for my body to function on camera during my three hour long humanities zoom lecture.” Well said Luke! 

During all online courses, FAU always encourages your active participation, attentive listening, and unsubtly slippery snacking. This Fall, remember to hold your slightly open, spitty nibbles as close to your mics as possible, and to protect your owl family.