In a bizarre turn of events, FAU’s President Kelly announced Friday morning that the Wimberly Library will finally be getting the renovation they’ve been asking for, turning the entire 161,686 square foot location into an extension of the Chick-fil-A next door. The new mega-restaurant has officially been dubbed “Chick-fil-A West” by the FAU social media team, with a new hashtag “#OwlWeEverAskedFor” tracking reactions to the announcement.
The decision was highly celebrated by the FAU Development Team. “We love Chick-fil-A! Look at us being a cool university! No other campus in the country will have a Chick-fil-A like this one,” said head of development team Charlie Oswald in an email to Hoot reporters. “The best part is that this five million dollar project will not increase student fees, as we will be diverting funds from other reconstruction projects to pay for this. What a great deal, right?!”
The fast food location next door is very popular with library patrons. Despite a well known no food policy, the aroma of frying oil currently takes up about 78% of the oxygen in the building, according to a study conducted by FAU environmental scientist Emma Walters. “It really explains a lot of things,” said Walters. “For example, the rats. Why are there so many in the library ceiling? Well, rats can smell. And rats love gross shit. Therefore, there are rats in our ceiling! It’s just science.”
When asked about this new renovation, an emotionally broken Dean of University Libraries Carol Hixson stated, “You walk into the library and you can smell it. You go into the bathroom and you can smell it. You go to the second floor and you can smell it. You can smell it everywhere, even inside Dunkin Donuts, where they sell goddamn coffee. Might as well go all out and make this place an official branch of the bible thumping McDonald’s rip-off.” When asked about the rats, Hixson chimed, “Oh, the rats love it. But this isn’t a Pixar movie. This is a library.”
Construction for this project will last from Spring of 2016 to Fall of 2078. Due to the diversion of funds, however, the Breezeway construction has been pushed back and is now projected to finish by Spring of 2083.