At 4:15 p.m. on Thursday afternoon, FAU student Aubrey Stevens made the shocking decision to go see a movie at FAU’s Living Room Theaters. This marks the first time a student has made a conscious effort to watch a movie at the theater since its opening in 2010.
Brad Marsley, an alumnus who accidentally stepped into a screening of Mort à l’âge de Mimes four years ago, says, “Sure, I looked at the screen for a second, but I didn’t get a chance to really watch it. I had what the doctors call a ‘fight or flight response.’ Ran for twelve solid hours while slicing the air with a machete. I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. Eventually I came to my senses in Miami Beach, where a police officer pulled me over and asked if I was on any drugs. I hadn’t taken any drugs, but I still somehow tested positive for heroin.”
Another student, Jenna Folk, worked at the theater for a full year. However, she makes it clear that she in no way looked at the screen. “That was the number one rule while working there. If you’re under the age of fifty, you can’t look at the screen. One of my coworkers thought he could catch a glance because he was forty-eight years old at the time. He ran out of the theater sobbing blood.”
Given other students’ complete inability to watch these movies, Stevens’ decision to do so is surprising. Even more surprising, she managed to watch the whole thing without shedding even one tear of blood. Instead, she simply sat there with a bunch of old people and watched the movie.
When asked what she thought of the screening of L’Avengers, Stevens said, “It wasn’t particularly good. I thought it was going to be like a French version of The Avengers, but it was just two hours of a guy smoking a cigarette while he stared at a candle. I thought he was going to do or say something. He didn’t.”
Hoot investigators were fascinated by this turn of events. How is it that Aubrey Stevens — a twenty-year-old FAU student with no record of psychosis — could sit through an entire movie screening at the Living Room Theaters?
Many theories were proposed. Perhaps she was an eighty-year-old woman who’d stolen a younger person’s flesh in order to wear it as a skin suit. Or perhaps she was born with an evolutionary advantage that allowed her eyes and ears to filter out boring ideas before they reached her brain. Our investigators ultimately came to the conclusion that she was an accounting major.
Upon hearing that only one FAU student has ever actively watched a movie shown at The Living Room Theater — and that that student didn’t even like it — the management released a statement saying, “We have come to the conclusion that the student body wants all the latest blockbusters to be in our theater. They want to watch superheroes, slashers, and raunchy comedians. In other words, they want shit. Therefore, we have decided to completely ignore the student body. Thank you.”