Confused FAU President John Kelly Prepares Himself for New Job as White House Chief of Staff

FAU President John Kelly became confused on Friday afternoon as he realized United States President Donald Trump had named “John F Kelly” the new White House Chief of Staff. The announcement, posted to Twitter, sent shockwaves through Kelly and only Kelly. “Why would he do this to me? Why would the leader of this great country demote me from President to White House Chief of Staff? How does he have power over me? Are we even allowed to have two Presidents at the same time? Sad emoticon, kiddos.” Kelly remained confused when approaching the FAU Board of Directors about this, especially after they pointed out that Kelly’s middle initial is W, not F. Even after a heated 45-minute debate, Kelly insisted the middle initial was a typo, stating that “after covfefe, anything is possible.” However, Kelly would not let this confusion deter his drive. “The US will be bold. The US will make waves. Look out, other countries: our football team will have more funding than ever before. Hoot hoot.”