Tuesday morning, FAU transgender student Laura Jax shit fireballs in the women’s restroom near the student union. The fireballs caused the bathroom to ignite in flames and left three other women at the site of the disaster in critical condition. Although at first police could not understand why such a sweet girl was shitting literal fireballs, everything became abundantly clear once Laura fessed up that she was, in fact, a dangerous fireball-shitting transgender student.
Laura and the transgender community at FAU have recently faced intense backlash from conservative activist groups, many of whom are claiming that the fireballs are an “obvious” sign from the Heavens. “So what if we never cared about trannies using our bathrooms before last week?” stated Students for Religious Equality President Ronald Simons. “If they’re shitting fireballs now, how are we supposed to suddenly stop seeing these people as Satan’s spawn?”
When asked about what she thought of these bold claims Laura replied, “I’m…sorry…I don’t mean to be… so… so dangerous….”
After news of this “shitty” inferno broke at major news networks across the country, Florida Governor Rick Scott issued a state of emergency. Scott is reportedly now “in the talks” about a Florida bill similar to North Carolina’s controversial HB2, which prohibits transgender bathroom use. An official statement from his office read, “Fireballs are bad. Fireballs in bathrooms are bad. So obviously, logically speaking and of course with absolutely no hint of prejudice, transgender students in bathrooms are bad. They can poop in their pants if they’d like, but — dear god — not in our public toilets.”
After examining Laura for eighteen hours, medical experts came to the conclusion that the fireballs released earlier in the day had nothing to do with her gender identity, and that they were actually a result of her anxiety over the bathroom situation. The entire controversy, however, was completely forgotten once a Muslim student was revealed to be sending his professors to pocket dimensions every time he sneezed.