Death Toll Rises In Bloodiest Blue Scantron Shortage On Record

There has been an upsurge of chaos at the FAU Boca campus during this finals week as the 2018 Blue Scantron Shortage has left students and staff in hysteria, leading to a death toll that has reportedly risen to an estimated 30,000 dead.  

It began last week when FAU Student Government announced budget cuts that included the scantron shipments. As finals week approached, the number of blue scantrons offered at various offices on campus rapidly decreased, eventually running out entirely. This drove many students berserk, forcing much of the body to riot. Those who were sensible enough tried to purchase packs of scantrons to distribute to their friends and family, only to find that the bookstore soon ran out of stock.

“This one girl was asking everybody if they had a blue scantron,” claimed junior Miguel Chavez. “I tried to step up, but the moment I offered her one, everybody else started coming at me… I was mad lucky to have gotten out of there.”  

At that point, students began fighting each other, with many attempting to kill and steal the other students’ scantrons and No. 2 pencils. Many facilities near the Breezeway have been either quarantined or destroyed. “Yo, the Dean’s office was on fire, my dude. It was wild,” added Chavez.

Some students have tried to circumvent this rising problem. There have been reports of some utilizing the backs of old blue scantrons. Others have been erasing bubbled in answers from prior exams in order to once again use the scantrons. In desperation, some have even begun painting green scantrons blue at an attempt to pass them off during exams.  

Further investigation has led to a black market, known as “Bookwiser,” being discovered. There are alleged ties between this black market and the Student Government, where it seems a large plethora of blue scantrons and other testing materials have been discovered. The scantrons in question were being sold for almost twice the market value.

“The fuck you mean twice the value?” asked economics student John Caddy. “I am a broke college student, I can’t afford this shit.”  

Despite finals week coming to a close, further agitations occurred when a video surfaced featuring one affluent student who had laid out a large stack of blue scantrons proceeded to burn it.